Colorado.
I walked over to Adder’s house this morning, knowing that I had to talk to him. I’d never been so nervous to talk to my best friend and when he greeted me, he led me into the house where we sat on the couch.
“What’s wrong?” he looked over at me.
“We need to talk about our conversation the other day.”
“Which one?”
“The one where you said if I talked with the Natives for the paper that you’d arrest me for treason.”
“Printing ‘their side’, would be considered propaganda. Seeing as how they declared war on us and all.”
“What about just including quotes? I’m not saying I trust them completely either, Adder, but I have to be able to do my job. And let’s face it... Most of the stories I have to write include them in some way or another. I’m not saying I have to have a whole column dedicated to them... You’re right, that was too much.”
“Well, that would be slightly different to giving them a full article to spread their lies.”
“So we’ve agreed I can talk to the Natives for a quote or two, just not give them a whole article dedicated to themselves?” I clarified, not wanting to hear him wrong.
“Aye. If you’re foolish enough to go to their camp and speak to them.”
“Adder, I know you have a problem with them and I get that, but I’m just trying to do my job,” I looked at him.
“Can’t imagine many folks will thank you for being friendly with the Apache. And I doubt those savages will thank you either.”
“And my job makes me have to talk to people of all walks to show both sides of the story; outlaws, soldiers, Apache, etcetera. It doesn’t mean I’m friends with them.”
“They declared war on this whole town. That means you too.”
“It’s just that I’ve got a job to do... And I need your support or I’m never gonna be able to protray the full story.”
“Sorry Trin, but I’ve got bigger priorities than the paper printing the ‘full story’. Like how to stop that horde of Apaches from destroying this town and killing everyone in it. Should be the Army’s responsibility but.... aye.”
I sighed, knowing that he wasn’t really concerned about this, but I was relieved that I could at least talk to the Apache. “You remember when we were back in Amiville… The good times I mean... Before everything went down,” I said and he nodded. “The outlaws were trying to rule the town just like the Apache are now. But I had to print those stories too... From both sides… It’s what I do, Adder. I have a passion for the truth no matter how I have to get it. Does it mean I’m an ally to the outlaws or the natives or whoever? No. It just means that I’m trying to get information.”
“And where did printing the outlaws side of things get you?” he asked and I sighed. “Oh aye, the hospital. And befriending the Cherokee? That got you wounded too. The Apache are no different. They lied to us all for weeks, till they had grown big enough to feel they could wipe us out.”
“Adder it feels like…” I sighed, looking down at the ground. “It feels like we can’t talk about anything anymore. Like you don’t understand me anymore. It’s my job.. I can’t let fear control me from doing what I’m called to do.”
“Then you do what you want to do. But don’t look to me when they stick an arrow in you!”
I swallowed hard, thinking that was harsh, even for him. I stood and felt relieved on one hand, but hurt on the other. “I should go.”
“Ok, but be careful out there. They’ll kill you if they feel like it.”
“I just want you to think about one thing, Adder... I haven’t let my fear get in the way of doing my job and I’m not going to start letting it control me now. There’s been many times when I could have been killed, yes, but I’m still here.”
“Aye, I know,” he nodded.
“So give me a little credit? And maybe a little faith? Like you used to?”
“You’re getting involved with some very dangerous and devious people Trin.”
“I’ve always been involved with dangerous people, Adder. You think asking Mexican outlaws for quotes wasn’t dangerous? Or heck, the reason I got this scar on my wrist? Or when I’ve had guns held to my head several times?” I shook my head. “Just think about that,” I said and walked out of the house.
I wandered west, not sure where to go, and found Nah and Tala at an Apache camp, far from Colorado. “Dago Te…” I nodded to them both. The chief spoke something in Apache and I looked between them. “I was wondering if we could speak for a moment. I’m sorry, I don’t understand…” I said to Nah.
“I speak in white man’s word... I forget sometimes. Take seat,” Nah invited.
“Agoshe…” I looked at Tala as I sat at the fire. “Is that right? For ‘thank you’?”
“I speak to Private Marks last night. I tell him what Adder say to you about paper. He will speak to you about Adder,” Nah said.
“I just spoke with the sheriff actually. He said that I could feel free to talk to you whenever I want and that he’s not going to stop me.”
“He has not the legal right to tell you that. Private Marks knows the laws of white man and says Adder ho legal right to say what you can put in your paper.”
“I know that now. And I intend to include whatever truths I feel necessary from whatever perspectives I need to tell the story.”
“I was confused last night when I spoke with Tala by the river. I didn’t know what I was doing and I was scared. I told Tala something about my past that I need to tell you now, Chief.”
“Blue Coats have been in talk with us for peace. Then Adder few days ago, a young madien, Cherokee...she goes to town to sale ingots... she did not know where the Smithy was. It was her first time in town. Brother Igmu said he would show her. He was passing through and had herd her asking…” he paused for a moment. “Brother shows the young Cherokee... to the Smithy and as she selling her ingots.... Adder comes in. He his guns on them and began to shot. They try to run... shocked by being attacked like this... Igmu runs to rock where we are and falls... Adder is behind him and shouts ’Any Indian he sees in town he will shot! Stay out of town,” he sighed.
I sighed at the news, knowing that it matched what I just heard Adder tell me.
“I go off myself lately to ask Great Fathers to give me vision what I should do…” he said and I nodded, knowing I needed to tell him something desperately but I waited until he was done as he continued to talk. “We want to be left alone... to live as we always have, in peace. On rock now... we stuck up there.”
“I understand that. Completely.”
“Can not trade with town anymore or we get shot… Gian, the wolf dog and me have been traveling some. I feel he sometimes has the eyes of the Great Fathers to show me things.”
“Chief, may I interject with some news of my own?” I smiled at the dog.
“I believe in my heart he was sent by the Great Fathers…” he looks to me. “You can speak freely here.”
“I don’t know if Tala told you about our conversation last night…” I smiled.
“He slept,” Tala shook her head.
“Only she met with you... she came home late... I went to sleep,” Nah said to her.
I pulled out some paper from the documents Josh gave me and handed them to the chief. “My father was recently murdered and while my brother looked through his estates... he discovered this information. It shows that there is Apache in my blood. Four generations back.”
“Mother or father,” Nah looked at me as he pet the wolf beside him.
“My father was murdered. My mother is still at the ranch up in Canada. The Apache is from my father’s side. This changes everything, Chief... It explains everything… It explains why I have always had a heart for the Native people... Why I have had such a passion for telling their story. Why I have always gone after men, including the current one, that have been part-Native… It explains why I have always been so good at tracking people, like when I tracked Igmu through town the other day, or even the fact that I found you here today.”
“It explains,” I hesitated. “That even though the Native people other than your tribe have shown me nothing but violence and hatred, I have always tried to tell their story. When all logic says I should have stayed away.”
“Many times Great Spirits will reveal things to us when it is time for us to see. You must be taught as a child some of our ways but forgot, yet it is still there as instinct,” he nodded.
“I feel as if I need to tell you a bit of my history with the other tribes, if you are going to trust me fully. I am an open book, Chief, and I wish to hide nothing from you or your people.”
“You must then embrace who you are. Well I say that but its your path to walk on what you choose to do,” he sighed. “Do not let Adder know or he may just shot you down.”
I had a thought that I’d had this exact conversation before with the Cherokee chief, but I chose to ignore the thought and explained, “Adder knows my history with the Cherokee and Cheyenne better than anyone. Adder and I worked as law together in Amiville. Back in August or September of last year.”
“Trin, if you have apache blood in you, its your people too. Your heritage.”
“He doesn’t want to see me get hurt again like I have been so many times before. That’s the only reason for his concern. I know that now,” I nodded. “I tried to befriend the Cherokee, to share their story. But when outlaws I was running from found me, they started to not trust me and said that I brought violence to them. When Chief Standing Bear was shot down one day I ran out there to help him when I received the wire. But I was shot down too. I went there alone, not thinking about my own safety, only about the chief’s. When they brought one of the shooters to their village and began to cut her hair off... they asked if I wanted part of it but I shook my head, realizing they hadn’t been listening to me at all the months I’d been there. They didn’t understand that I wanted peace with words and truth, not with bullets and violence. From that day things changed. They threatened to kidnap me , they blew up a sheriff’s office knowing full well I was inside, they ambushed a fort I was having a conversation in… They said I was a coward and a traitor.”
I took a deep breath, watching him for his reaction. I knew I was far from done but he needed to hear the truth. Tala said something in Apache to Nah and I said, “This whole time, I had gone to Hawk’s tribe for comfort and safety. Ever since Amiville, Hawk’s tribe was the one place where I felt safe.”
“Adder has declared a one man war on all Indians." glances to Trin, "The problem is this, the town will back there own. Right or wrong they will stand by Adder. You have been seen as white... it will take time for you to win trust from the Indians and accepted as such,” Nah told me.
“When I moved back to Colorado…” I continued with a nod to him. “I know... And that’s why the Cheyenne started to not trust me. Because they saw me in the courthouse that day. But I backed out of the case and didn’t prosecute the Native man because it felt wrong. It felt as if I would be betraying my own people. Little did I know how true that feeling would become. But someone from Hawk’s tribe saw me there. And now I’m not even welcome in his village.” I got emotional as I explained everything, having not let myself start to cry until now. I pulled my knees up under my chin, looking at the fire as the tears fell.
“Why do you cry? What is in your heart?” he asked, looking at me. “You will have conflict inside now. Living two worlds. I can not tell you what you must do. Though if you pray to the Spirits and open your mind to hear them, they will show you and guide you on your path. First though, you need a spirit guide. There is a way to know what your Spirit Guide is.”
I looked at him, wiping away my tears. “I have grown up in the church, have believed in God, have played songs that connect me to him... I used to play hymns in the church in Amiville... Faith was so much apart of my life and now lately I just... It feels like the Spirit,” I used his term, “Has led me down a path that is too hard for me to walk alone. I used to think Hawk’s tribe was the guiding post that gave me direction and strength and peace... Now, perhaps it has led me here... with your people... my people… Now the one person I trusted the most doesn’t even want me in his village,” I shook my head.
“Every Indian has there own Spirit Guide. Most young Indians when come of age do a ritual which they met there Spirit Guide. It involves fasting... You must cleanse your body and mind to receive the vision.”
“I saw you there. When did he tell you that you are not welcome?”
“It was when I last tried to talk to Sasha about a story... A couple of weeks ago now I guess. She said that Hawk didn’t want me there but she would talk to me anyway, though it was obvious she was hesitant about it too,” I looked at Tala and nodded to Nah.
“But, you did not talk to him,” Tala shrugged.
“He wasn’t around. And the several times I’ve tried to talk to Chief Standing Bear... It’s gotten me nowhere.”
“And you want Nah to fix that for you?”
“I wouldn’t dream of asking something of that nature from someone. I want for nothing but to understand where I came from... Why I’ve felt this peace whenever I’ve been in a Native camp like this one in spite of the dangers I’ve faced from its people in other tribes,” I shook my head.
“But, when the sun goes down, you lay your head in a white man’s bed, in a wooden box. You will not go proudly claim your heritage. I could see this in your eyes last night,” Tala chuckled.
“You don’t understand what it is like to be raised one way and then discover that you are actually partially from the genealogy of a people that the ones you were raised with are at war with."
“You are right, I don’t know that. Nor do you know what it is like to lay your head down every night, wondering if tomorrow is the day the white men will come and take that piece of ground you borrowed for the night. You don’t know what it is like to see white men kill the buffalo your people need to survive, then leave the carcass rotting in the sun.”
“How do you think I got this? I assure you it was not self-inflicted. It was from a very violent man, who ran a gang, one that I ran from for so long until I finally gained the courage to become a lawman myself and solve the problem from the inside,” I looked at Tala, holding out my arm to show her the scar on my wrist. “I know what fear is like, from the white man even. I lived in fear of this gang for so long... Wondering if they would come find me. One of them, a man who is actually a soldier in Colorado now, actually did come to where I was living in Nebraska and shot down the man I loved.”
“You do not understand. You never will. You speak of the wrongs done to you. One person. I speak of all of my people. All of the Cheyenne, and the Cherokee. Anyone who does not live in that world is the enemy. To be driven from the lands and destroyed. Your scar is nothing to me. I have battle scars, too. We all do,” Tala shrugged.
I shook my head, knowing that I was going to need to do a lot to make Tala trust me, and I looked over at Chief Nah for guidance.
“Trin, you have lived in one world. It is what you know. Now you have discovered your heritage, native blood. All have seen you as white. We have our reason why we do not trust the whites. You remember the story I told of my father and how he died? What I saw a white man do when my father was doing what he was told, holding up that flag the General had given my father and said, they will not attack you if you hold this flag.” Nah looked into the fire. “Seeing a mans head cut off is horrible enough but when its your own father. Trin, ever Indian has stories like this. Things we have seen that you do not know. White world protects there people from the truths and puts into them lies about Indians, how we rape women, kill children. Some use it to keep there children in line ‘Be good or the Indians will steal you away.’ Trust is earned and it is something only you can earn.... it is up to you. But I will say if you live in white world, not many Indians will trust you.”
“But Chief... I can’t choose one world or the other. It would be like you discovering that there is paleface in your blood and suddenly having to leave everything you’ve known in the village and live with paleface.” I remembered having this same conversation with the Cherokee too, knowing how that turned out, and just looked in the fire. I remembered having it with Hawk and his tribe too.
“You can choose. You just do not see it yet. This is why you need to find your Spirit Guide. You must quest to find her or him. Until you do this, you will half a foot in each world.”
“For the longest time I thought Chief Hawk was that spirit guide. Now he doesn’t even want me in his village.”
Tala chuckled softly and I sighed, knowing that they didn’t understand the position I’d been put in.
“Spirit Guide is not mortal. You must take the quest to open your mind and heart to see, feel, sense your own guide,” Nah said.
I looked at him and asked, “"Chief... You understand the position this puts me in?”
“Sometimes we all are put in difficult positions. I give you an answer to how to know what is right. It is up to you what you do with the answer I give you.”
“I guess I have some thinking to do,” I sighed, looking into the fire. “I did not come here lightly, I fully understand the complications of the position I’m in.” I looked back to Nah, then to Tala, then back to the chief. “I hope that my vulnerability has helped you see that I speak what is true, what is real, even if it means being put in a very difficult and potentially violent position.”
“When you decide if you want to choose the answer I have given to you, then come see me next week. For it to work though, for your Spirit Guide to reveal himself to you, you must come with a true heart. If you choose not too, then nothing changes. I will wanr you that if you accept the quest your whole world as you now see it will change. One is a safe way for you, one is known. You understand?”
I was still emotional, knowing that to stay in one would make me completely lose the other, which had never worked for me before. I didn’t understand why I had to choose at all and didn’t answer the Chief, too emotional to speak.
“You have conflict in your heart, Trin. It will stay there till you take steps to find peace within yourself. You spoke of the white mans God. I do not know this God. Nor do I want too. I know the Gods that guide us, love us. I know Mother Earth and Father Sky….”
“What if…” I choked. “What if my peace leads me to be in paleface town while still trying to learn the Apache culture and reveal Apache truth?”
“You want both. I do understand that. A fox can not live as a rabbit and a rabbit can not live as a fox. They each have there own worlds they live in. There own ways... there own teachings. That is how it is meant to be. Indians are meant to live as Indians just as the white’s are meant to live as they do.”
I nodded, knowing that was the whole point but I was confused what I should do. “I should go back to my apartment... I have a lot to think about.”
“Yadalanh,” Tala nodded to me.
“Before you go…” Nah stopped and gave me a stone and said, “Keep that stone with you. It is very special stone.” I took it and put it in my pocket with my father’s medal. “I wish you well, Trin.”
I stood and looked at them both, wiping my tears from my eyes. “Thank you both,” I said tearfully and walked away, more confused than I’d been when I'd walked in.
***
This evening I walked into the saloon and smiled seeing Rox. I talked to her while ordering a whiskey to drink, telling her I needed it badly.
“Well if you need a set of ears to jaw to. I’m all ears,” she looked at me with a smile.
I looked around the saloon and then back at Rox. “Well I can finally question the Natives again. Won’t get arrested for it anymore. But the paper is dead empty. I have one article about a girl lookin’ for a nanny and that’s it.”
“Oh… that is bad.”
“I don’t know what to do, Rox. Might have to just go bi-weekly.”
“Have you thought of a fictional story?”
“Like a series where there’s a new chapter in each issue?”
“Yes.”
“You wanna write it? I’m busy putting my own life into a story,” I chuckled.
“Uhmmmm... if I wrote something you’d have to make the paper XXX Rated,” she said and I chuckled as she blushed.
“You haven’t heard any stories ’round here have you?” I asked and she shook my head. I sighed and drank some more whiskey.
“Not many seem to talk when I am around.”
“Aw well I talk to ya.”
“Perhaps a poem or two… to add to the paper.”
“Got any?” I winked.
“Let me see…” she giggled and then told me a poem about what a girl felt when she was around a man. She told me another one about dreaming and I told her that she should write a book of poems and sell it.
I said goodbye and headed outside to walk around the block. I saw Jonathan Marks and walked over to him as we greeted each other. “Ma’am, you looking for a story?”
“Desperately,” I nodded.
“Well, military regulations forbid me from speaking as a soldier without consent from an officer. But, I’m speaking to you as the official representative to the indians in these parts, as appointed by the territorial governor.”
“On the record?”
“Yes.”
“I’m listening.”
“I have forged a working relationship with the Apaches. I’m not saying they’re perfect angels, hell I’m not either. But I have reason to believe this. They informed me that when their village was burned last week, they followed shoe prints back to Sheriff Adder’s office.”
“Last week... Why is everyone taking a week to report about anything these days?” I raised an eyebrow.
“I guess letting the dust settle.”
“I guess,” I shrugged. “Just doesn’t really make it breaking news if ya know what I mean.”
“Well this may be breaking news: I have filed a report with Washington on the matter.”
“Oh have you?”
“My job. President Grant has a policy regarding indians that’s different from predecessors. the ‘Peace Policy’ stresses mutual cohabitation with the indians. In other words, it is my job to report attacks on their village. I was told by the indians that they know Adder’s footprints, and they assured me it was his. We have to remember- these people are expert trackers.”
“Believe me, I know,” I sighed. “I need to investigate this further. You’re Private Marks, right?”
“I was told by them yesterday that one of their warriors was showing a new tribe member the other day, and they were attacked,” he said and I nodded, having heard that story already today. “They were in town, that is.”
“They were attacked because they were Native, for no other reason.”
“I’m afraid that this town is not safe with this sheriff running a personal vendetta,” Jon said as four year old Mena walked by and I greeted her briefly. “The Apache chief told me there would be no peace unless Adder is brought to justice.”
I sighed, knowing the frustration Adder was feeling too. “But in the same token the Apache did declare war on the town... I think his frustration comes from them just thinking they can wander in freely after that declaration.”
“Well an eye for an eye makes the world blind.”
“And I get that... But I also get that the Apache want to just live their life in their own way and not be attacked for it.”
“I don’t know who started it... that comes down to a matter of he says she says. Yes ma’am, that’s what the Apache want. That’s what President Grant directs, and my job is to ensure they have that right.”
“True. It’s ridiculous really. Was there another attack on the town today? When the three major Native tribes join together to attack the town... Do they really expect the town not to fight back?”
“I have not heard anything.”
“Not condoning either side, just saying that it’s logical…”
“Well, off the record, the chief told me they know that the soldiers have not attacked them. They feel the town has harmed them. In the town they mean Adder.”
“I’ll have to talk to him. I’m not going to go about writing accusations, Private Marks.”
“I understand that ma’am. Not asking you to. I’m just trying to grease the wheels of justice.”
“I understand that too,” I nodded. “And it’s good to talk with someone who wants the same goal.”
“I must go, but I want to read you something that came from the Washington.” I nodded and he handed me a piece of paper. “‘Wars of extermination ... are demoralizing and wicked,’” he read. “‘President Ulysses S. Grant.’ Those were his words on relations with the indians. Is there anything else I can help you with in terms of this story?”
“Guess not. I’ll have to do some asking around. Thanks, Private Marks. We’ll talk again?”
“I can only talk if it pertains to the indians, officially.”
“That’s fine with me.”
“Alright.”
We shook hands and then he rode off.
I rode out to Kansas, wanting to talk to Hawk about my newfound identity, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready yet. I talked to my horse as I rode back to town and greeted David in the street, who was on his way to the mines. I sighed, missing Tom, and walked over to my office.
A few hours later Tom stumbled home, looking like he was hurt pretty bad. “Tom!” I exclaimed, running over to him. “Sweetie, what happened?”
“Damn boar got me. Killed it though,” Tom winced.
I went to hug him gently and asked if the man standing near him had helped him get home okay, but the man had already walked down the street.
“Naw. I was out by myself. If I woulda had my gun, I wouldn’t be in this mess. I lost my good knife in that damn swine too.”
“I’m just glad you’re home safe honey…” I said and introduced him to my new horse, Midnight. Tom pet the horse and I told him about how Midnight had claimed me more than I had claimed him. I looked back at Tom and said, “We need to talk.. But not here. Can we take a ride somewhere?”
“Ok. We can do that,” he took out his flask and drank some whiskey before we got on the horse and rode off.
“It’s been a long few days,” I said to him as we rode. I knew I had to tell him the truth about what Josh had told me. “I’m glad you’re here now.”
Nebraska.
We stopped in Nebraska and went to a tea shop where we sat on the rocking chairs outside, since no one was around. I took a deep breath and said, “Okay where to start… You remember when you told me that you were part-Native? We were in the Apache village?”
“Yes,” he said and I reached into my pocket and took out the documents from Josh, handing them over to him. He looked at them and then said, “That’s a new twist, isn’t it?”
“Yeah... This changes everything. Or in some ways it explains everything. See... a few days ago I threw out that Native column because Adder threatened to arrest me for treason if I went to them for that column, remember?”
“Yeah… Though, you do have the right to publish it.”
“Well still... I talked to him today…” I said as the pony express rider came over to us. She handed us a note and and then when she was gone, I continued as if she hadn’t interrupted. “I talked to Adder and got him to compromise... So I don’t have that threat hanging over my head, I can speak to whoever I want freely. The thing though is… I had a lengthy conversation with the Apache chief this afternoon. I showed him these documents… He was understanding of my position, very compassionate, but then I’ve heard that kind of talk before. I’ve had the exact same conversation with both the Cherokee and Cheyenne chiefs... Almost to the letter. It was like a de ja vu of a de ja vu. But this time, Tom... It’s in my blood. This is my past... that’s seemed to haunt me to the present. I don’t want to have to choose between the two worlds, and I’m going to do everything I can to avoid that choice.”
“That’s a tough thing to deal with. I’ve had the same choices to pick from back in Pittsburgh, I chose to run away from the problem like a coward, But it seemed like it was the only thing that I could do. People never have got along with natives. Look what happened to my mother.. and father for that matter.”
I nodded and reached for his hand. “I ran for a long time too, remember? After the Cherokee incident? We can’t keep running anymore, sweetheart. It’s part of us and we have to accept it. I’m just glad that I’m not alone in this position. Josh didn’t even want me to tell you about this,” I took the documents back and put them in my pocket.
“Yeah. I’m not too sure what to do. You can hide it pretty well though, I can’t..” he looked at his dark complexion. “I’m surprised They even let me be their doctor back in town.”
“But he doesn’t know that you’re part-Native too,” I nodded. “You hide it well with the clothes you wear I guess. I’ve been so desperately longing to tell you about this... It’s been so hard keeping it to myself and Josh…”
“I’m glad you did. At least I’ll know what conversations to avoid with the townspeople.”
“A soldier came to me this evening... Told me the Apache village had been burned down a week ago and they traced footprints back to Adder. If I print this, Tom.. It’ll destroy my friendship with Adder. If it isn’t destroyed already,” I sighed. “He did all but call me stupid this afternoon.”
“Why is he being that way?”
“Because he says the Apache declared war against the town. He’s frustrated that they just walk through town thinking that they can walk with peace when they were the ones who declared the war. Anyway... We should be heading back... I just knew we couldn’t talk about this in town but I needed to tell you.”
“Yeah. Wouldn’t be a bad idea to head on home.”
We rode the horse back home and talked about how it was nice to have a place like Nebraska to talk where we knew it would be private. We rode home and went upstairs, talking about how good it was to have Tom home.
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